(This is a guest blog by Janice about her daughter Scarlett Everdeen. Thank you for sharing this with us, Janice.)

It’s not goodbye… It’s good night little bear

I want to tell you a story of a very strong little girl named Scarlett Everdeen Alves…

My baby was baking for 9 months of a normal perfect pregnancy. I loved my baby the moment I knew he/she was forming…

It’s a GIRL…

Scarlett Everdeen was born on September 17, 2012 at 7:30am. Ahe was born with the cord wrapped around her neck and one collapsed lung.

She was not breathing and the nurses started to work on her.

Somehow her fetal distress was not seen by the doctor on the heart rate monitor even though the nurses questioned it… why I was not given an emergency C-section is beyond me considering her heart rate was questioned more than once.

She finally took a breath and came around… the hospital was not equipped for a neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) so she was transferred to Mount Sinai hospital in Toronto.

At this point the NICU was her home. It became a very fast reality for Victor and I that our lives will change forever from this point on as it became more evident that she has some sort of degree of brain damage.

The NICU continued a treatment that was started before she got transferred called the “cooling treatment” it basically for 72 hours slows the metabolism down all her organs so that the brain has a chance to repair itself.

The hospital took care of her and had to run many tests and give her a lot of medication.

After the 36th hour her brain started to show signs of normalization….and her faith was considered to be in the gray zone. But then she developed seizures and it moved her improvement backwards… and more medication was given.

She was given a brain EEG to determine her seizures twice but they really could not conclude how frequent she was having them. The neurologist saw a better fit for Scarlett Everdeen at Sick Kids Hospital so Thursday night/Friday morning she was transferred.

At Sick Kids they we able to perform a 24 hr EEG test on her brain and found she was not having seizures in that time frame.

Finally after almost 5 days I got to hold my baby girl for the first time… it was the greatest moment of my life.

…but then the results for the MRI came in… the doctor sat us down in a room and told us one of our worst nightmares… your daughter, Scarlett Everdeen, has total and complete brain damage… her quality of life is zero… her life will be far from normal and she will never acknowledge any sort of human interaction. She would be a shell in this world being feed by IV and VERY small amount of food through a tube… she would be hooked onto monitors and always wear a diaper… could never walk. Also her life expectancy is unknown… the only part of her brain that works are her brain stems, which allows for basic reflexes.

BANG there it is… we expected her to have brain damage but not to this full extent…. at this point medically the hospital could not do more to heal but only comfort her. Our option was to take her home with a feeding tube and take care of her for as long as she lived…But that night Scarlett Everdeen experienced 3 seizures and it sent backwards again… the doctor said at this point taking her home with a feeding tube not an option any more… the seizures were so strong that her organs are affected and may not work properly.

So our new option was to remove the breathing tube and take her home for comfort, and well give life to the time that remains.

I ran down and bought her a beautiful little dress for her baptism which we had at the hospital her wonderful Godparents Owen Scicluna and Jessica Alves stood by her side and blessed for all her beauty and innocence. She also had a photographer capture her beauty as we were unsure of the time we had left with her.

The breathing tube came out and all the IV’s, medication and everything else that was attached to her. We went into a private room as a family and held her tight and read to her and kissed her…

But Scarlett prevailed and lived that night… and another night… the hospital finally put the paper work together and let us take her home.

Tuesday September 25th Scarlett Everdeen came home… we showed her, her beautiful bedroom, dressed her in different clothes and relaxed with her and family.

Every day she took our breath away and I became camera crazy with her.

There were days that became scary because we had to give her medication for her seizures and for any discomfort/pain… some nights we questioned ourselves thinking “oh my God, we should have kept her in the hospital because we are unsure if she is feeling any pain” watching her seizure… hearing her breathing heavy, it was a lot for us to bare at times… but we kept each other strong and we would never give her back.

We took Scarlett Everdeen to the Toronto Zoo, she had arts and crafts time with me and daddy, went for walks, to the grocery store where she was adored, to children’s place for a new photo-shoot outfit, to her grandparents new developing home, for rides in the car, to her godfathers house twice (Once even for UFC.) She went to breakfast at Cora’s with her mommy and daddy/Nannu and Nanna, and she went to dinner with her parents… had multiple photo-shoots with mommy and EVEN had a photographer come in and take amazing pictures of her in a little rose tutu skirt… and she hung out with mommy while watching TV and singing her songs like Coldplay – Green eyes and Yellow… Lana Del Rey – Video games… and also Blue jeans… mommy read her books and changed her diaper and gave her baths and changed her clothes… watched her daddy play video games in his man cave… and snuggled with her daddy every afternoon.

Friends came by to visit and embrace her and love her for all that she is and was taken away by her beauty… everyone loves Miss Scarlett Everdeen.

As the days went on with my little fighter it got harder as her appearance started to change… she was getting weaker and weaker but still trying… there were nights that I literally slept right next to her because I thought it was the end… but as the night and day moved on she amazed me.

But this particular day after changing her diaper Scarlett Everdeen cried for the very first time… but she looked in pain and was not a happy baby… we gave her medication to make her feel better and I held her tight… we noticed her legs and feet turning blue/purple and rushed her to a warm bath… she got her color back and was relaxed.

After her bath I put baby lotion on her body as usual and changed her into a new outfit and looked into her eyes said for the very first time….”You know Miss Scarlett….you don’t have to fight so hard anymore…..mommy loves you and she will miss you very much…..but she will be okay with daddy.”

We snuggled her in bed for a while and then took her downstairs and snuggle her some more on the sofa.

I hung out with her all evening as I would usually do… but noticed her breathing pattern increase… I called for her daddy and we gave her more medication to try and relax her… we continued to stay with her… and the doctor came and checked up on her… Scarlett’s breathing was at 60 breathes per min and her heart rate was 140+ it was soo hard for the doctor to get her heart rate because she was trying to breath so hard. When the doctor was there I wanted to scream so bad and cry I knew it was going to happen soon. Then the doctor finally left, I sat there and tried to peacefully have some dinner with Victor… I got up and told Victor I wanted to be alone with Scarlett in another room.

And there I sat rocking her and singing her Coldplay – Green Eyes and Lana Del Rey – Video Games and again I looked at her and said… “Stop trying so hard baby you don’t need to fight this anymore…relax and go to sleep” then I swear it was almost like she smiled at me and she took one last breath and I felt it blowing against my face and she went to sleep.

I said….”good night my beautiful Scarlett Everdeen, I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I am living my baby you will be”.

I called for Victor and he came to her and embraced her… and my daddy came to my rescue and embraced me while I yelled out the loudest gasps I could while crying in daddy’s arms.

And as a family we embrace her body and held her tight.

It kicked in my baby is gone, and I was sick to my stomach battling and hoping in my head that she is in a better place.

Victor would always say how strong I was throughout this entire time but in that moment of our loss his strength prevailed and made all the right phone calls and held me and he was the strongest man.

Scarlett Everdeen is an organ donor… she has donated her heart and heart valves to other beautiful babies that need her help and she will live on with them… because she had the strongest heart I have ever felt.

I held her body all night until they came to pick her up… giving her body up was the hardest thing but had to be done.

And now we as a family live on without our baby… She will forever be in our hearts and I will never forget her. I will continue fighting for her and telling the world her story.

Some people thought it was crazy for us to take her home because we knew her outcome and that this would be so so hard on us.

But giving life to the time that remains was the least we could do for her, because she added LIFE to my life again and let me feel a type of love sooo strong only a mother would know.

Scarlett Everdeen so devastatingly beautiful.

R.I.P 16/10/12……good night mini bear…

Parents: Victor and Janice Alves

(This is a guest blog by Shannon about her son. Thank you for sharing this with us, Shannon.)

After trying for 3 years to have a baby and enduring every fertility treatment possible we were overjoyed to finally be pregnant. I had some complications, but overall my pregnancy was moving along smoothly. We bought baby furniture and registered at the baby store. We picked out a beautiful name for our son, and started counting down the weeks until we could hold him. Friends from out of town bought us baby gifts that I treasured. I loved my baby bump. I showed it off proudly. I was finally pregnant!! It was the one thing that I had prayed and worked for.

Then on July 13, 1999, I went in for a routine visit and ultrasound. The technician moved the wand around my belly and started asking me strange questions. I had several ultrasounds before that and I just felt like something was wrong. A few days before I had commented that I had not felt him move and friends and family had told me that that was normal in the 22nd week. As the technician left to go get the doctor I asked if something was wrong. She was very vague and said she wanted the doctor to see. That is when I knew that my baby was gone. I looked at my mother and said, “There is no heartbeat”. My mother tried to reassure me that everything was fine, but my mind started wrapping around the fact that my little boy was gone. The doctor came in and resumed my ultrasound. The same questions started and I had a tiny sliver of hope that maybe the tech had it wrong. He turned off the machine and grabbed my hand. “We have a problem.” I knew the next words would forever change me. My mind rejected it and I literally felt like I could not breath. My whole body was shaking, and I literally wanted to scream in agony. Then I was told that I would have to be induced and go through labor. In my numbness, I couldn’t fathom that I was going to have to go through everything that a “normal” pregnant woman would go through, but my baby was dead.

That night as friends and family came over it just seemed so unreal. Then the hysteria set in. I just couldn’t control my grief. My husband called my doctor and he told him to bring me to the ER so that they could give me medicine to calm me down. I vaguely remember things as they had me pretty drugged up. I remember asking for another ultrasound. My doctor informed me he would do a hundred if it would change the outcome. I loved that about him. As the induction process started and the pain grew intense, I knew I didn’t want to feel this. I was in a drug induced state for most of the day. 12 hours after my labor started, my baby boy was born. There were no cries of joy. There were no congratulations yelled. It was just silent. When I finally held my baby I was exhausted. The only moment I had with him, and I could barely keep my eyes opened. He only weighed 10 ounces, and quite honestly, he did not look normal at all. Because he had been dead inside of me for at least 4 days, his organs had started to decompose, and he looked so lifeless. That was all I got. 45 minutes to hold him, and he was gone. The next few days were torture as we buried him, and tried to resume our lives. I still looked pregnant and all my clothes were maternity clothes. The last thing I wanted then was for people to think I was pregnant. I couldn’t handle questions of “When are you due?”. Even seeing people out months later who did not know about our loss, I would have to relive it all over again.

I couldn’t get past this. Six months after our baby died I would still wake up screaming in my grief. Our baby furniture was delivered and I spent two days in bed crying. I didn’t want to show people pictures of my baby, because he looked horrible. I was scared of their reaction. My due date came and went. Thanksgiving and Christmas I spent at the cemetery crying and talking to my baby. We were actively trying again, with more fertility treatments.

My husband was wonderful, but even he seemed to not be able to help me. He urged me to call my doctor and go on an anti-depressant. I will admit I was not too keen on the idea, but within 2 weeks of going on the medicine, I started to function again. One year after I had given birth to our son, I became pregnant again. I was a complete basket case my whole pregnancy. I just knew this baby was going to die and I was going to have to go through it all over again. My nerves kept me ill most of my pregnancy, and anytime I hadn’t felt the baby move for a while, I would call my doctor hysterical.

On March 7, 2001 I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy. He was perfect and healed my broken heart. Now 12 years later, I have my son, Ethan, and two daughters, Laney and Mallory. They are my life. I never in a million years thought I would have 3 kids who, can absolutely drive me nuts sometimes, but who I love more than anything.

My baby would be turning 14 this year, and while I don’t have the grief of loss, I still have the grief of what I went through. We talk about him to my 3 children, and we go see his grave. He is a part of our family.

Thank you for letting me share my story. It is one that does not get spoken about enough. Women who experience this type of loss are the strongest ones on earth.

- Shannon Gossage

(This is a guest blog by Theresa about her daughter Skyler. Thank you for sharing this with us Theresa.)

Skylar was born on July 5, 2006. I was induced as I was 10 days overdue and had no signs that labor was going to happen on its own. I didn’t care, I just wanted to see my baby. I knew she was small. My older two girls weren’t big babies. I knew that Skylar was smaller.

When I got to the hospital I was hooked up to all the machines and got the pitocin started. After about 12 hours of being in the hospital my doc came in and suggested I get a c-section because I had been at 7 cm dilated for more than 3 hours and wasn’t progressing they way they wanted me to and they kept saying she was probably too big. I knew she wasn’t, I could feel her flipping around. I didn’t care, I just wanted my baby out. So I got the c-section. Skylar was born at 8:05pm and weighed 5 pounds 7 ounces and was 18.5 inches long. She was tiny. She was kind of sluggish but not enough to cause anyone alarm. The docs said sometimes c/section babies are lazier about nursing. I kept nursing but I didn’t think she was nursing the way she was supposed to. THEY told me she was ok.

After a couple of days we were sent home. They assured me she was ok. I kept thinking something wasn’t right. I didn’t know what it was, but something wasn’t right. I waited. I didn’t sleep when she slept, I waited. I knew something was going to happen and I could get the doctors attention. At her 3 day check up they said she was perfect. I still waited for something because I knew something wasn’t right. Day 4 she was very quiet and she didn’t want to eat. I checked her temperature and it dropped. Her temp dropped to 94.7. Its weird that I can still remember that number and its been almost 7 years. I took her to the ER and told the nurse what her temp was and she didn’t believe me, then she checked her and that when things went crazy. She was rushed to the back and started on meds and had an LP done and they informed us that she was going to have to be airlifted to Seattle Children’s Hospital.

They next few days went by so fast. I didn’t sleep. EVER. I stayed with her. She was hooked up to machines and had IV’s and the doctor’s said it wasn’t good. She had a virus. The virus that causes simple cold sores, HSV-1 was killing my baby. She was very very sick. The doctors said the mortality and morbidity rate for a newborn with HSV-1 is not good. Its bad. Very bad. They had her on medicines with hope that she would pull through. Then within a couple of hours she took a turn for the worse. Her body was shutting down. Her blood wouldn’t clot, her kidneys were shutting down. The doctor looked at me and I knew what she was about to say, it was time to make a choice. I didn’t let her speak. I told her to unhook Skylar and leave her alone, I just wanted to hold her. She nodded at me and gave the orders to the nurses. Once she was taken off the machines we had about 20 minutes with her before she finally gave up. I told her it was ok for her to go, she didn’t have to be in pain anymore. My husband and I sat in a rocking chair holding her. I don’t know how long we held her, it was a while. We had to give her to the nurses and let them take her away so we could go explain what happened to Skylar to our other girls who were waiting in the waiting room at the time. My oldest was 5 years old. She remembers Skylar. My middle daughter turned 3 the day Skylar died. Yes, Skylar died on Kiara’s 3rd birthday. Kiara doesn’t remember too much about her, just bits and pieces. She’s almost 10 now and still doesn’t know that Skylar died on her birthday. One day she’ll figure it out but I don’t want her to know that yet.

We had Skylar cremated. I didn’t have a funeral for her, I don’t like funerals. We did have a bit of a memorial service because our extended family needed some closure as they didn’t get to meet her. We are a military family and Skylar was born in Washington, our family lives in Texas.

Life was crazy for a while. I don’t remember the 6 months after Skylar died. Thats sad, I know, because I’m sure I missed things that my other girls were doing. I just can’t remember it. My husband had a really hard time too, he didn’t talk about it too much. I suppose neither of us did. It was hard but we finally pulled ourselves back to where we belong. We have been through the craziest most awful thing and we’re still the best of friends, I couldn’t have made it through without him.

Not long after I became pregnant with my son. He’s the love of my life. He asks about his big sister Skylar and I tell him about her. Its not easy to talk about her but I do it. I still miss her and think about her every day. I wonder what she would be like.

I am a photographer. To honor Skylar, about a year ago I decided to become a volunteer Photographer for Now I lay Me Down To Sleep. So I do remembrance photography for families just like ours. Families who are in the hospital and have lost a baby and want to remember every little detail about their little angel. I can’t say that its easy. I can’t say that I don’t cry every single time I step into a hospital room for a session, but I do it for her. I do it for the families. I do it for me.

- Theresa Mejia

(This is a guest blog by Jenn about her sons Lukas and Noah. Thank you for sharing this with us, Jenn.)

 

 

Hello my name is Jenn and this is my story.

My ex and I had tried for a baby with no luck so I figured I couldn’t get pregnant and we decided to just leave it be. I ended up falling pregnant to my surprise in January 2007 and found out in March.

Everything seemed to be going good, I had horrible sickness but my belly was growing and I thought everything would be ok. I was always aware of baby loss but never thought it could or would happen to me, little did I know that it would. I started spotting on May 8th, 2007 and went to the hospital as my doc had left for the day and they did an ultrasound and everything was fine, went to my doc on May 9th and heard the heart beat and was told nothing to worry about as sometimes women spot during pregnancy and just rest.

I woke on May 10th and had some slight cramps but didn’t think much of it until after my shower when my water broke, I called my doc and got in right away where she tried to find the heart beat but couldn’t. She tried not to show me her worry and said maybe the baby is just positioned wrong so go to the hospital and get an ultrasound done but by the time I got to L & D and into a room my baby was already being born. The nurse came in to help deliver my baby as I felt pressure and when I looked I saw his tiny feet, I freaked out as it’s far too soon to have my baby now (15 weeks and 4 days gestation) but I did deliver and at 1st we didn’t want to see the baby but changed our minds after and I am so grateful we did as I’d have never known what sex my baby was or who he looked like.

Found out it was a boy and named him Lukas James, he was perfect in every way. Weighed 2.8oz and measured 6 1/2 inches long, It was a very hard thing to go through and I pretty much dealt with it alone and with the help of a support group. I fell pregnant again (not planning or expecting it) around June 2008 and found out the end of July. I had complications from the start, I woke up one morning around 3am and passed a clot and thought for sure I had just lost my baby but I was still having the morning sickness so I went to the doctor and she couldn’t hear a heart beat so she thought maybe I was too early to pick up the heart beat so I was sent for an ultrasound and the tech had mentioned the baby was there and fine, I was so happy. I continued to have complications and needed an emergency cervical stitch at 12 weeks as my cervix was starting to open. I continued to have spotting after and kept going to the hospital and doctors and being told everything is fine.

On the night of September 28th,2008 I had trouble sleeping and was having pains, I prayed it wasn’t going to happen a 2nd time and went to the hospital the next morning where I ended up delivering my 2nd angel baby, another boy at 15 weeks and 5 days gestation named Noah John. This is a picture of my boys, Lukas is the top 2 pics (ultrasound and him the day he was born) and Noah is the other 2 (Ultrasound and the day he was born).

Thank you for allowing me to share my story and my boys.

I’m really hoping return to zero hits theaters as people need to know the pain we suffer and to never take anything for granted.

- Jenn

(This is a guest blog by Danielle about her daughter Sara Leann. Thank you for sharing this with us, Danielle.)

I appreciate the work you have done and how you are breaking the silence on infant loss. My story starts out like so many others.

I married my high school sweetheart after being together for 7 years. We waited to try to start a family after marriage. I had just graduated nursing school, was getting started in my career and wanted the timing of pregnancy to be “perfect”. I knew we may have some trouble getting pregnant due to my PCOS. After 4 years we had decided it was time. I had started my dream career as a hospice nurse and the world was our oyster.

We tried for about 6 months…trying to track cycles ovulation etc…but with no luck. I talked to the ob/gyn about my known fertility issues and he started me on some medication at the beginning of the month. This was February of ‘06. As I had been doing… come March I took a test and to my surprise-it was positive! I was over the moon. I had always felt it my destiny to be a mom. I surprised my husband at work with balloons and he was thrilled as well. We looked at the dates and thought this baby is meant to be. Conceived on my moms birthday, found out I was pregnant on the anniversary of my moms passing and due on my mother in laws birthday.

I felt like I had an instant bond. I remember the first time I felt movement it was mothers day, what a gift. Many told me that I was feeling it early… especially for a first time mom, but I shrugged it off as I have always been in tune with my body. I like to think that God gave me that gift of movement because he knew what was going to happen. I moved through pregnancy carefree and innocent. 20 weeks came and it was time to find out what we were having… it was a little girl… again life was perfect. We talked about our hopes and dreams for our princess.

On July 3rd I felt different. I was about 23 weeks and my body just was telling me something was not right. I talked with some fellow nurses and family and decided to call the ob just in case. They had closed early due to the holiday on Tuesday. I decided that if anything else was off, I would just go into ob triage. I woke up the next day and went to my grandmas annual fourth of July celebration. I felt cramping like pains all day and asked my sister in law about contractions. I wasn’t having anything regular but again I just felt something was off.

In the evening we went to ob triage “just in case”. It was a skeleton crew and a newer nurse. I explained what I was feeling… she hooked me to a monitor but it wasn’t picking up the contractions I was feeling. She did do a cervical check and called the doctor. The on call doctor never came in… they told me I was dehydrated… go home drink lots of water and rest. I wish I had been more persistent that day looking back but I put my trust into the fact that they are the experts.

Through the night I was very uncomfortable but managed to get to sleep for a few hours. July 5^th… my birthday. I woke up with my husband and as he got ready I went to the bathroom to find so much blood. We immediately went to back to the hospital. I was still contracting..I remember that 40 minute car trip vividly. We were very quiet… both thinking our girl was gone. We arrived and took us straight to ultrasound. We saw our little girl on the screen… kicking moving… heart beating. We both cried tears of joy knowing she was alive… we thought everything would be ok. The tech printed out pictures and said she would be right back.

She came in with the maternal fetal medicine doctor. As I lay on the table… he very coldly said… you are 4cm dilated, your amniotic sac is protruding… you’re in labor and it’s too far progressed. I didn’t understand… what was he saying. He then said… you are going to have your baby… she’s going to die… there is nothing that can be done.

Shock came over me… instant uncontrollable crying… my water then broke. Things became a blur at that moment. The put my head down feet high in the air and whisked me to a room. I remember them starting ivs… and my ob doctor coming in. He said nothing… but with tears in his eyes… he knelt down and prayed. I will never forget that. My husband called family and tried to hold it all together. My doctor told me if we wanted we could talk to the neonatologist about life support. He said I was too far in the labor process to try to stop it but the is a slim chance it may stop on it’s own. They gave me antibiotics and asked if I wanted an epidural. I screamed at them asking why I would want one when this is the last time I was feeling my daughter alive. She was fine it was my body failing her. I deserved to feel the pain.

Family arrived and I continued to labor. We talked about what to do when she arrived and decided to make her a DNR. I help families everyday make these tough choices about extending life when there is little hope. I talk to them about pain and quality versus quantity. Never imaging I would have to make this decision for my child. Knowing what she may have to endure and with a 2% chance of survival minus the complications, we chose to literally love her to death. It came time to push… I remember feeling as if I’m pushing her to her death. I wouldn’t push but the doctor told me I was hurting her by not pushing. She was born. She moved a little… I didn’t see it. They wrapped her up and gave her too me. She was perfect. At just under a pound… she was so little but was everything I imagined her to be.

She was baptized and named Sara Leann, after my mom. All the family got to hold her. She lived for just about 2 hours and went to be with the Lord as I held her, rocked her and sang to her. My sister in law drove to the hospital from where she was vacationing and had a good quality camera so we got to take many pictures. The nurses took her, gave her a bath, dressed her and took hand and foot prints as well as casts of her feet and hands. I wanted to leave the hospital but not without her. We opted not to do an autopsy of her but did on my placenta.

The funeral home came and picked her up right away. The doctor stayed and expedited the paperwork so she didn’t have to go to the morgue. We decided to have her cremated and I have a tear drop necklace that I wear with a sprinkle of her Ashes in it. I never take it off. When you are a hospice nurse… there are some bonds you form with patients. There was one particular patient who was so excited about my pregnancy. She shared some very personal stories with me including one about the loss of her son. She was young… in her 50′s and dying of cancer. The Sunday after I lost Sara, I woke up at 3:30am. I had a very vivid dream about this patient. She was holding Sara and told me not to worry… she has her and everything is ok. I called work in the am to check in and casually asked how this patient is doing. Last week when I worked she was up and around. They told me she had passed through the night at 2:40am. Wow… I had a calming feeling come over me.

My Dad sent us away for a get away to help with grieving. I have never felt so close to my husband then over the next few weeks. When it was time… we decided to try again. We again had many issues with fertility. Not to mention the grieving process. I sought counseling and was very vocal… he kept it bottled inside… and threw himself into work. Time passed and we grew distant.

Advanced fertility was not working and we were told my chances of pregnancy we slim. We decided to stop treatments, and grew apart even further. Another thing to grieve. We tried counseling but things continued to fail and we divorced. We both moved on with our lives. I think the divorce rate between those that lose a child is very high and never talked about. We all want a happy ending.

Fast forward to today. As I’m writing this, my baby is kicking me. I’m 20 weeks pregnant. I moved to accept that I may only be mom to an angel. I was living life… then come to find out… I’m pregnant… naturally! I couldn’t be more thrilled… with hopes of a take home baby… but with fears that not all pregnancies end in happiness. The innocence of pregnancy is lost. They believe that I had an incompetent cervix and found my placenta to have an infection. Not sure which came first. They are doing everything they can to ensure things look good with this baby… but as we all know there is no guarantee.

I now know why I never became pregnant. I needed all this time to heal. I still think of my little Sara everyday. One never forgets… you adjust life and begin to live a new normal. If the Lord sees fit that I bring this child home, it will certainly know about big sister Sara. I have had some amazing experiences that show me she is, still with me. “Some people only dream of angels..I held one in my arms”.

Thank you for breaking the silence.

- Danielle Blankley. Mom to Sara Leann Blankley-Connell. Born and died July 5th 2006.

(This is a guest blog by Karen about her daughter Haley. Thank you for sharing this with us, Karen.)

I would like to share with you how many this movie will help. The awareness of stillbirth is critical as so many do not understand what really happens. I had some people tell me that I miscarried (which is something I never want to experience but it is different than stillbirth), confused as to why I would have a funeral, that it will be okay as I will have other children, etc.

We could all write a book of about the horrible things people say as well as the things and people that have helped us along the way; but a movie with raw emotion speaks volumes. So THANK YOU. Your blog regarding saying the wrong thing; I face it all of the time… “Is this your only child?”, “Is this your first baby?” etc. I sometimes say yes and feel so guilty. My husband on the other hand always says no and will talk about our Haley. I just find it easier and less awkward but feel terrible after I say “Yes”… so thank you for sharing that.

Please share this story on your blog…

My husband and I were married for 4 years and decided to try to get pregnant, anticipating it would take a while, but miraculously, I was pregnant the first time. It was joyous and we were over the moon. I had a lovely pregnancy but was rigid in following all of the pregnancy rules, reading all materials I could regarding pregnancy and the health of the baby.

On April 9, 2012, my husband finished putting all of the nursery furniture together as I was almost 32 weeks pregnant. I took pictures step by step of Daddy working for the baby’s scrapbook, it was so much fun preparing for the baby to arrive. On the morning of April 10, 2010 I woke up and started to preparing things for a gathering we were having at the house the next day. I ate breakfast and then thought it was odd that I had not felt movement from the baby since especially after eating I had a lot of movement. I then drank juice, and nothing. I called the doctor and waited for a call back as it was Saturday. I called my husband at work, who reassured me that I was a worrier and that it will be fine. The doctor called back and asked if I could come in for an ultrasound.

The drive there I was hysterical thinking something was wrong but did not ever think my child had passed away. I got there and they rushed me through the nurses station. As I laid down, I told them that we wanted to be surprised so please do not reveal the sex and remember the doctor looking at me like you have a much larger problem then that; but I think I was tricking myself at that point. I did not look at the screen but watched the nurse and doctors’ faces. Our nightmare began; the doctor told me that my baby had passed away. I begged them to save the baby and to do whatever they need to do. My sister was there with me and my husband arrived shortly after; I did not even know how to tell him but I managed to say our baby is in heaven. 2 days later after a very long induction I finally gave birth to our daughter Haley Joyce on April 12, 2010 at 4:18 PM.

I remember the silence in the room as she came out, I even had to ask if it was a boy or a girl as no one said anything. She was 3lbs. 7 oz. and 17 inches long. I remember holding her and begging her to just breath as it looked like she was sleeping. Our silver lining was the nurses and doctors; they handled her with the utmost care and let us do whatever was right for us and supporting a grieving family. Little by little we were informed of options but it was shocking to hear funeral, burial, autopsy, etc. I have beautiful pictures, my family members held her, we kept her with us in the room as long as we could but by Wednesday, it was time as it became more difficult to handle her due to her deterioration. We decided that we were bringing our daughter home and decided to have her cremated after the autopsy. We wear urn necklaces with Haley’s ashes in it so she is always with us. Our experience has changed us forever. We planted a garden in honor of Haley that summer 2010 (attached).

We went to support group for 2 years until we finally were pregnant again (it took 18 months). We finally had our rainbow baby 8/8/2012 Angelica Lynn who will grow up knowing about her big sister. We are now facilitators to provide support group to parents in our area. The only positive outcome of Haley’s death is that we can help other parents going through the darkest times of their lives.

To share or to blog: A poem I wrote the October 15 service 2010…

Our Love, Our Pain, Our Joy, Our Life, Our Haley

Our love for you is ineffable; you brought us so much elation in such a short time

Our love is knowing you were coming to make us a family of 3

Our love for you has a different meaning now then we had ever expected

Our love is strong and indestructible

Our love is resilient and forever with thanks to God

Our love is our pain

Our pain is our friend now, for without it, we would not have you

Our pain is indescribable

Our pain exists because of the tremendous love we have for you

Our pain is that you are not on earth with us now

Our pain is what makes us different, being parents that mourn for their baby girl

Our pain is every morning when we wake up to realize you really are gone

Our pain consumes our thoughts every second of everyday

Our pain is somehow our joy

Our joy is your presence from the day we knew about you

Our joy is loving you and missing you

Our joy is to see the miracle we created that was a perfect baby girl

Our joy is that we saw you alive thanks to the amazing ultrasound

Our joy is the thought of reuniting with you in heaven

Our joy is the way we strive to live better lives because of you

Our lives are different now

Our lives are filled with daily tears, pain, and humbled thoughts

Our lives are longing to be with you, to hold you, to look into your eyes, and to hear you cry

Our lives are consumed with memorializing you in everything we do especially when we maintain your garden

Our lives are talking about you and sharing you with the world

Our lives is our Haley

Our Haley is our daughter

Our Haley was born sleeping

Our Haley was 17 inches long and 3 lbs 7oz

Our Haley was perfect and beautiful

Our Haley is every thought in our minds

Our Haley is our child that is in heaven

Our Haley is God’s Child

Our Haley a daughter, granddaughter, niece, and cousin,

Our Haley will hopefully become a big sister some day

Our Haley is our love, Our Haley is our pain, Our Haley is our joy, Our Haley is our life,

Our Haley Joyce Powers is ours forever

Warmly,

Karen Powers

 

(This is a guest blog by Jamie about her daughter Mary Rose. Thank you for sharing this with us, Jamie.)

Would I ever feel joy again? I have an understanding husband of fourteen years, a witty twelve year old son and a very animated seven year old daughter. But almost nine years ago my now fulfilling life was teetering on the crevice of hell. I felt compelled to pull my box of trauma out of the neatly filed memories of my life after coming across a posting on Facebook for a movie called ‘Return to Zero’. The unfinished movie is about a couple who has to endure the loss of their son due to a stillbirth at thirty seven weeks. My daughter Mary Rose died, stillborn, at forty weeks just days before a routine C-Section.

Normally I would not write in support of a movie and plead for a very personal piece of my life to be exposed, but when I saw that the movie was trying to generate support for post-production costs I was compelled with fervor to promote the finishing of this movie. We live in a country right now where there is a war on political and social ideologies. One side screaming and hurling insults while the other posturing to the public about why their beliefs are the right ones. In the middle is the grief and torment of the people suffering regardless of a good or bad decision or an uncontrollable circumstance. My first thought about why this movie might not garner the support needed is because of the issue of abortion. It could easily turn into just another tree in a forest fire. But as a parent who has been through the agonizing pain of losing a child to stillbirth I would implore both sides of the aisle of abortion to sit together, watch this movie and focus on the families that are affected by this tragedy. That’s it. See the human side of what happens when an expected child suddenly dies.

I sat down immediately at my computer and tried to find the words that would have the biggest impact that would inspire people to support this movie. I realized the only way to do that was to share my story, the ugly warts and all.

I was due to have a routine C-Section on Wednesday, August 25, 2004. We had picked her name, Mary Rose. My great grandmother’s name was Rose, my grandmother’s name was Mary and my mother’s name is Rosemary (I don’t know how Jamie got thrown into this tradition). So we decided on Mary Rose for our daughter. On Saturday, August 21, 2004 I woke up from a restless sleep because I had a “bad feeling.” I hadn’t felt her move in quite some time so my first thought was to eat something to try and wake her up. I tried not to panic even going so far as to have my husband stay at home with my three year old son while I went to triage for a routine ultrasound to ensure everything was OK. Needless to say it was not. I had to call my husband and inform him our daughter had died. What was supposed to be a day spent with our son at a local carnival for one last hoorah turned into a circus of terror and depression.

We had a lot of support from family and friends. Her funeral was quite large. People came that we had not seen in years and even though I was overtaken with grief, their presence was still noticed and appreciated even if I never had the chance to tell them. We buried her next to her name sake, my grandmother Mary and bought two funeral plots of our own so she would be with us someday.

We received a slew of cards and flowers in the mail over the course of the next week which seemed to offer minimum comfort, but comfort nonetheless. After a while people slowly returned to their normal lives, as is expected leaving us alone to deal with our, “what now?” The ‘what now’ is the unexpected and grueling grieving process that if I had to do it over again I would have sought professional insight. I have learned since, that men and women grieve much differently. Men tend to throw themselves into their work and not want to talk about it while women, well, we like to talk.

The day after her funeral my husband dove into building a shed and I dove into a bottle of wine. And then another, and another until I would feel a sense of accomplishment if I had let a day pass without drinking. I also wanted to talk incessantly about it. It was therapeutic to me. He didn’t want to talk about it, which was therapeutic for him. I grew resentful of the fact that he seemed to move on (which I know now is not the case he just grieved privately). He went back to work and I took time off.

Although I had friends that would occasionally call to check on me I found wine a much better companion. It helped me function, it took the edge off and made me even feel a little normal. People have all kinds of ways they cope with trauma, some use food, some drugs, others lavish spending sprees. This was my medicine, or poison that helped me deal with this horrific life experience. Even though I am a Christian and prayed a lot and had much faith in God, it didn’t fully take away the pain. I know He had a lot of grace with me during this time. He had too; I think I cleaned out the nearby liquor stores. I never questioned Him surprisingly and my friends would often comment on how well I was handling everything because I was hopeful and still held on to the promise of more children. I professed and truly believed there were still people out there that had it worse than me. But again, the pain of it was so fresh and new there was no way to control it, and for someone like me that was frustrating.

What was even more frustrating was that I couldn’t control my husband either. He had seemed to have moved on while I continued to feel stuck. Consequently, I immediately began talking about wanting another child as soon as possible. He wanted to wait. I felt robbed by his decision. He wanted to deny me when we already have a bedroom full of baby clothes? He was being selfish, so I thought. If I would have taken a step outside of my own hurt I would have realized he wasn’t ready because he was still grieving, just in his man way. In an argument (I am sure fueled by my drinking) I told him I would have another child with or without him. It took me a long time to understand how he could possibly not understand how he hurt me by denying me another child right away; and then be upset by my candid statement. I realized later what my statement said to him was I didn’t value him as my husband. I valued what he would give me but I did not respect him. My husband isn’t one to rehash the past but that was something that caused a deep rift in his feelings toward me that would take years to heal, and understandably so. The bottom line, we were both grieving, but not together as the movie ‘Return to Zero’ says it will portray. We were both hurt and in that hurt, we hurt each other.

There are 26,000 stillbirths every year in the United States. That is three stillbirths every hour. I have heard that the divorce rate for couples that go through the death of a child is quite high though there are too many varying statistics to pick which number is most accurate. Before experiencing this I would have never understood that. I would have thought losing a child would bring a couple closer together. I now understand. And this is exactly why everyone should support this movie.

Luckily for us, we got pregnant six months later (my husband too had mercy on me by fulfilling my need even when he wasn’t ready) and a little over a year after Mary Rose died we were blessed with another little girl named Grace (by the Grace of God he gave us another girl). Because we worked like hell to save our marriage through repeated forgiveness and communication and because we knew the vows we made were just that, vows, we never gave up on our marriage. He is still my best friend and everyone should support this movie.

(This is a guest blog by Jessica about her daughter Julia Grace. Thank you for sharing this with us, Jessica.)

We’ve seen it on tv or maybe you have experienced it yourself. The news of a baby being born brings images of a couple rushing to the hospital, doctors running to the delivery room, and caring nurses instructing to push.

There is noise.

When expecting parents hears the news “we cannot find a heartbeat”, doctors offer a hand touch of sympathy, nurses cry silently with their back turned, people whisper around you. Friends and family struggle to find the right words. People look at you not knowing what to do next.

There is silence.

December 12, 2012 was the day our world became silent. We were 40 weeks and 3 days. It never occurred to us that there was a possibility for devastation at this stage of pregnancy. In the evening of the 12^th I noticed that our little baby wasn’t dancing like many other nights. Within a few hours we heard the news that our little baby was no longer with us. On December 14^th, Julia Grace Wilhelm was born into this world. She was perfect. To further our silent world, there is no medical explanation for her loss. We will never have a reason for why our beautiful girl left us (at least not while we are part of this world).

We had become members of a secret ‘club’. Where membership never expires and the fee is devastation. We have been fortunate to be connected to a few organizations for support, and we have met some incredible people. These individuals would have never entered our lives if it wasn’t for Julia. But during this whole time I was amazed at the lack of public awareness related to stillbirth, miscarriage, and infant loss. Keeping in mind, 5 months ago I was blissfully unaware of these topics like everyone else.

Upon hearing the news of Return to Zero, I was so pleased to know that someone is willing to publically display the depth of grief we are experiencing. I can only wish that this will be another step into ending the silence. Thank you.

- Jessica Wilhelm