Jocelyn Rose’s Story

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(This is a guest blog about Jocelyn Rose by her mother Lisa. Thanks for sharing this with us, Lisa.)

My name is Lisa Lahr and I am 22. When I was 16, I gave birth to my first daughter on December 30, 2006 with the only complications being put on bed rest at 28wks and developing pre-eclampsia at the end of my pregnancy… but I delivered a healthy 6lb 10oz baby.

Her father and I spilt up shortly after and I was a single mom. In December 2008 I met a guy and we started dating. I wasn’t on birth control and ended up getting pregnant. I found out I was pregnant at 3w4d on January 23, 2008. At 5w5d I started bleeding and went to the er. They did an ultrasound and my baby had a heartbeat still but was sitting right above my cervix. So they said I was having a threatened miscarriage and I had a 50/50 chance of losing the baby. I was sent home and told to rest and stay off my feet, which was hard to do with a 2yr old. On February 16, 2009 at 6wks I lost the baby. The relationship I was in ended shortly after the miscarriage.

I moved on and started seeing a new guy in September 2009. In January 2010 I was a week late so I decided to take a test and it was positive. I was 5wks pregnant. A week later I started spotting and I went to the er. They took my blood to check my hcg levels and then I had to come back 2 days later for another check to see if they were rising or dropping. When I went back for my levels, I found out they were dropping and that I was losing my baby. I went to see my doctor and had an iud placed.

I told myself that after losing 2 babies I didn’t want to get married or have anymore kids since it kept ending in heartbreak. That changed when I met Eric. We got together April 24, 2010 and got married February 18, 2011. We started trying to get pregnant right away and were successful. I found out we were 4w3d pregnant on April 21, 2011, just 3 days before our 1yr anniversary. I was due December 24, 2011. Every day that passed I always checked for blood. When I hit 12wks I figured we were in the clear and that I wasn’t going to lose this baby. Things were going great and our little baby was growing right on track. At 14wks we scheduled our gender sonogram for August 10, 2011. At 17w4d I got to see my baby on my doctors ultrasound machine cause our little baby kept moving away from the Doppler.

On July 28, 2011, at 18w4d, I went to the er for some very mild cramps. When the nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler I figured that our baby was hiding from the Doppler again. So the nurse said they would get the heart rate when they sent me for an ultrasound. I got to the room for the ultrasound and they kept the screen turned towards them so I couldn’t see it very well. All I could see was that my baby wasn’t moving so I asked my 4yr old if the baby was moving and she said no so I just figured the baby was sleeping.

They took me back to my room in the er and within minutes of being back the doctor came in. He asked me when the last time was that I had felt the baby move. I told him that I hadn’t really been feeling strong movements but thought I had felt the baby move while I was waiting in the er. That’s when he told me those awful words, “ I’m so sorry but your baby doesn’t have a heart beat.”

I burst into tears and couldn’t believe what I was just told. I didn’t have a phone at the time so I asked them if I could use the phone to call my husband. My husband didn’t answer so I called my best friend and told her and asked her to please call my husband and tell him to get to the hospital right away. I then called my mom and asked her to come get my daughter.

The doctor then came back and asked if I wanted to be induced or to go see my doctor and set a date to be induced. Once my husband got there I decided I didn’t wanna wait and told them I wanted to be induced that day. So they came and took my blood and started my IV before taking me to the maternity floor. My doctor arrived and did another ultrasound to confirm indeed that my baby didn’t have a heart beat anymore. This time me, my husband, my best friend, and her girlfriend all got to see the screen and that my baby was as still as could be. My baby was really gone.

After that they started my induction. I stayed doped up on pain meds. At about 8:55am on July 29, 2011 I felt pressure and called the nurse. She checked me and my baby was right there. I pushed one time and my baby was born at 9:00am. My baby was born still in the sac and all I could ask was is it a boy or a girl. The doctor broke the sac and looked. It was a little girl.

The nurse tried to leave with her before I could get a picture and I thankfully caught her in time before she walked out. I wanted a picture to look at while they were cleaning her up and getting her measurements. When they finally brought her back to me I found out she weighed 3oz and was 5in long. We decided to name her Jocelyn Rose. I hadn’t delivered my placenta yet so I was still in labor for another 18hrs after having my daughter before it finally came out. I spent all my time in the hospital with her until the funeral home came to get her.

We decided to have her cremated so that way she would always be with us and on August 3, 2011 we had her memorial service and I finally got to bring her home with me. I went on to have testing done to see what kept causing my miscarriages. The only thing that came up was that I have Factor V leiden which is a blood clotting disorder. Since we decided against testing on Jocelyn’s tiny body we don’t know what caused us to lose her but we assume that it was probably my blood clotting disorder. My doctors said that next time I got pregnant that it was my choice if I wanted to take baby aspirin or not but if I was going to lose my baby again that I would lose it no matter what.

My husband and I started trying to get pregnant again after we got our test results back. November 16, 2011 I found out I was 3w4d pregnant. My due date was July 29, 2012. I started taking baby aspirin and called my doctor right away. I ended up switching doctors at 12wks and I am very thankful that I did. He put me on 2x daily heparin injections. I found out we were having a boy at 12w3d and it was confirmed at 17wks that we were indeed having a bay boy. I was relieved when I passed the 18w5d mark and I was still pregnant with a healthy baby. At 32wks my doctor started doing 2x weekly biophysical profile scans and 1x weekly NST’s. On July 20, 2012, at 38w5d, my water broke at home. I got to the hospital at 6:00pm and my pitocin was started at 7:00pm. I had one dose of IV pain meds that never worked cause my contractions were too intense and too close together.

At 11:10pm, Levi Jaxson was born weighing 7lbs 14oz and 19 3/4in long. He has defiantly helped to heal my heart and my empty arms. Just 9 days later we celebrated Jocelyn’s 1st birthday in heaven. There are days that I feel guilty for being so happy. I thank my angel every day for blessing us with her baby brother. If it wasn’t for us having to go through a horrible thing like losing her, he wouldn’t be here right now.

Sorry this was so long and thank you to those who read it.

- Lisa Lahr

Christian Michael’s Story

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(This is a guest blog from Daniele about her son Christian Michael. Thank you for sharing this with us, Daniele.)

My husband and I were just 7 months into our marriage when we found out I was pregnant. This would be the first boy in the family and we were ecstatic. I had all the usual morning sickness, followed by the cravings, but I loved every minute of it. We went in for a heartbeat check when I was 7 months pregnant and the doctor couldn’t find his heartbeat. He thought he might be positioned wrong, so he sent us to the hospital to have them do an ultrasound. I had such a sinking feeling, but pushed it aside. As the nurse was doing the ultrasound, she turned the screen away from me. I started to panic, so my husband (a former paramedic), went and stood behind her. He went absolutely pale as she kept staring at the screen. “I am sorry, but he’s not alive.”

I had no clue how to process this information. He’s not alive. How? Why? Nurse didn’t know, and called my doctor to come to the hospital. I was told by the nurse, “if you’d like you can go home tonight and get some rest and come back tomorrow to deliver him.” Really? Rest? How do you sleep knowing the child inside you is dead? It felt so wrong that I demanded that we stay the night and they have me deliver now. I couldn’t imagine carrying my son any longer knowing there was no life left in him. They put us in a room and my husband begged my doctor to just do a c-section so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the labor, but the doctor said that natural would be better as far as my body being able to heal was concerned, and promised to give me some drugs to deal with it.

8 hours later, Christian’s body arrived in the world at 4 in the morning. I never felt so empty in my heart. My husband couldn’t bear to see him, which I said it was ok, so the nurse took him away. We called my mom, who was not happy she didn’t get to be there the entire time, but I just couldn’t take the added dose of emotion. I just needed to deliver him and then deal with the feelings. She arrived, along with my sister and her husband and I still just felt numb. How are you supposed to feel? I couldn’t cry… it was like all the sadness I felt just sat in a lump in my chest. The morning nurse was horrible… she kept asking if I wanted to see him and where would the funeral be. Funeral? Don’t you just take the baby away? No, she said, you have to bury him. Funeral expenses, casket, my child is gone…….. it all started piling up. My mom thankfully took over on the arrangements as I just blindly nodded my head through it all.

I did finally see Christian, after my mom went and saw him first. I didn’t know if I wanted to hold him. I felt like he was already in heaven watching me and that what was laying there was just a shell of him. I know that may seem weird, but I wholeheartedly believe he was in heaven, knowing that his mom had to go through all of this grief.

To make it all just a bit more painful, the epidural they gave me was given wrong and they ended up perforating my spinal tissue, causing the most painful migraine that wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t take bright lights, noise, and I couldn’t eat from the nausea. I went back to the hospital 2 days later for a procedure to patch up that part of the wall with my own blood they had drawn. Headaches were still severe, and now it was time to go to the funeral. I wore sunglasses the entire time and just stared at his casket. My husband and I held hands and cried looking at him. There were so many people there for support…… it was so appreciated and meant so much. When the funeral ended, I wanted to just sit there at his casket and never leave. I felt my life as a mother had ended. My husband put how he felt in a very understandable way. “It’s like having a new car in a closed garage that you will never see, never enjoy, never know what you could’ve done with it.”

Two years later, I convinced my husband to try again. I started bleeding at 9 weeks and I remember looking at my husband and saying “if this child is gone, I will never get pregnant again.” The baby was still there and we were ok. I tried being elated over this child, but every month brought me closer to that time we lost Christian. But nine months later, Rene Michele was born and we have loved and cherished her ever since. At the age of 10, we told her about her brother, and she firmly believes he watches over her every day. I think he does too!!

Our Partnership with GAPPS

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We’re thrilled to announce our partnership with GAPPS, the Global Alliance to Prevent Prematurity and Stillbirth. An initiative of Seattle Children’s Hospital and recent recipient of a major grant by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, GAPPS is spearheading one of the largest ever research efforts focused exclusively on pregnancy.

Their mission: to improve birth outcomes worldwide.

“GAPPS is leading a collaborative, global effort to increase awareness and accelerate innovative research and interventions that will improve maternal, newborn and child health outcomes around the world.”

Together GAPPS and RETURN TO ZERO will be working to promote and advocate for the film and the issues surrounding stillbirth. The goal of our partnership is to get people to see the film and then inspire them to take action to help improve advocacy and research for prematurity and stillbirth.

One of the biggest research projects ever undertaken in the field of prematurity and stillbirth is the GAPPS Repository:

“It is the first standardized, widely-accessible collection of high-quality specimens linked to data from diverse populations of pregnant women. The repository supports research on normal and abnormal pregnancies, including how pregnancy affects maternal and child health after delivery, as well as fetal origins of diseases. The collection includes contributions from women representing a range of racial, ethnic, regional and socioeconomic backgrounds.”

Given that for nearly half of stillborn children the causes of death are unknown, I personally can’t think of a better research effort to support.

And they are doing so much more! You should check out the GAPPS website which details more of the great work they’re doing and ways to help.

We applaud their efforts and are thrilled to be working together to help break the silence!

Still Life with Baby

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Award-winning writer Elizabeth Heineman wants to contribute her story to these pages. For copyright reasons we cannot reprint the entire story here but have provided the link to “Still Life with Baby” below which won first place non-fiction at the 2012 New Millennium Writing awards. Here’s an introduction:

“When my son was stillborn, I did two things I’d never have imagined doing a day earlier. I loved a dead body. And I wrote. Both were flailing attempts to change the horror that every parent of a stillborn baby lives with: If no one knew this child, then no one will remember him, and if no one remembers him, then he’ll have left the world without a trace.

“My days with Thor, this story – those are Thor’s traces.”

“Still Life with Baby” by Elizabeth Heineman.

Cannon’s Story

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My wife and I found out that we were pregnant with our third child in the last week of September of last year. Obviously, it was amazing news, but for anyone who has lost a child it is also terrifying news when you find out you’re pregnant again.

The back story (and beginning of the film RETURN TO ZERO) is that we lost our first son, Norbert, on July 12, 2005 and then before we knew it, and while we were still in shock, were pregnant with our “rainbow” Roxie who was born on September 7, 2006.

Despite the fact that we had come off of a successful birth with our daughter, the experience of losing our son so late still haunted us throughout this third pregnancy. It also came at an odd time as I had just finished the script for the film which brought my wife and I closer together as we discussed details of the stillbirth which we had never talked about before. It was incredibly healing for me and she told me it had the same effect on her.

Then, as if on some sort of mystical clock, once I finished the script we found out my wife was pregnant again. Any thought that I might get through this without some of the trepidation and nervousness that accompanied our second pregnancy vanished as soon as she started showing.

As we did with Roxie, we both kept this information about Kiley’s pregnancy on a “need to know” basis pretty much only sharing it with people we were very close with or would see on a regular basis. I don’t have to explain why we did this to those of you who have been through this type of experience. I also don’t have to explain why we didn’t find out the sex of the baby or gave him/her a name before delivery-naming someone/something gives it power and finding out the sex would connect us even more deeply to this child. Just in case we lost this one we wanted as much critical distance as possible. This may sound callous to those of you who have not experienced this type of loss but it is very real. We knew that if we connected with our third child the way we did with our first and we lost him/her we would if not literally, then figuratively, die.

It has been odd these last few months as I have received beautiful, heartbreaking stories from so many people and yet was keeping this new chapter of our story close to the vest. So, now it’s my time to share… and with the best news possible.

My wife delivered our third child and second son, Cannon Krekorian Hanish, on Friday morning May 25th at 7:35am. When he was born he looked exactly like our son Norbert did on the day he was born. This made it difficult those first few moments as I was simply trying to register that we now had a son and that he was actually alive. I’ve thought so often of how Norbert looked when my wife and I held him for that hour of peace, grace and sorrow nearly 7 years ago, that when I saw Cannon, his younger brother, it took me back to that very day. It was like I was living two different inner lives at that moment, one which made it difficult for me to stay present and enjoy the miracle of birth because I had seen it go so wrong years ago. Yet, at the same time I exploded with joy inside when I found out we had a boy-I truly never thought I would have a son after losing Norbert. Never. And there’s something about being a father to a son that is indescribable. My life with my father flashed before my eyes as did the decades ahead with my own son-a dream that was crushed when we lost our first boy.

At lunch today my wife told me that she keeps calling our new boy, Cannon, by his older brother’s name, Norbert. This makes sense as it’s all of a piece. They are all three our children and we live with them in our lives every day whether they are with us or not.

- Sean

 

Michael Conrad’s story

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(This is an excerpt from an e-mail I received from Maria about her son Michael Conrad. It is a follow-up from her post about her son Brian Christopher which can be found here. Thank you for sharing both of these stories with us, Maria.)

You had posted our story about our Angel Brian Christopher…. I have been wanting to email you and let you know about our life since then.

After losing my son in the hospital, I spent 30 days in the hospital. Unfortunately, due to all the damage they caused to my body and all the complications, I was advised by numerous specialists that if I ever did get pregnant again, and IF i made it past three months, the pregnancy would most likely be fatal to the baby and me. My husband and family demanded I give up. Anyhow, exactly one year after losing my son, we received a phone call from my Husbands childhood friend. They have a family of 4 boys and were devastated when they heard what happened to us. Craig and his wife discussed it in length and offered to be our gestational carrier. We were speechless. Of course we accepted. The first attempt failed but the second attempt resulted in our miracle son Michael Conrad who is turning 5 in July. We honored her by giving Michael her maiden name as his middle name and they are his God Parents. WE are so grateful to have our little man Michael, but we will always miss Brian Christopher.

Thank you for listening. Mothers Day was so bittersweet… It always takes weeks to recover spending it at the cemetary and trying to explain to Michael why his big brother is in heaven….. :-(

Brian Christopher’s Story

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(This is a guest blog about Brian Christopher from his mother, Maria. Thank you for sharing this with us, Maria.)

My husband and I were Married August 12, 1995. At our one year anniversary we thought I was pregnant-I wasn’t but we decided it was time to start our family. It was not as easy as we had hoped. After 8 years of infertility drugs, procedures, surgeries, etc… I finally got pregnant on our last attempt at IVF. I had a perfect pregnancy. We were having a healthy baby boy.

On the morning of December 11, 2004, I had discomfort on my side. It turned into sharp pain. I called my “High Risk” Ob/GYN and he told me I was anxious about the pregnancy, take tylenol and lay down. Well the pain intensified. We called to tell him we were going to the hospital. After hours of them treating me for “pre term labor contractions”, they removed the monitor on my belly because I was 25 weeks and 4 days. They believed I didn’t need the monitor under 26 weeks. When the doctor came to do a sonogram, my world came crashing down when they told me my son had passed away. They told me I had a concealed Placental Abruption, not pre term labor. My son was suffering and there was nothing I could do to help him. Unfortunately, I never got to see him or hold him. My health deteriorated after 3 days of trying to induce labor to deliver my angel. I suffered every complication possible and spent the next 30 days in the hospital trying to survive. I should have and wanted to die, but on Christmas Eve I remember hearing my husband praying to our Angel “Brian Christopher” begging him to save his mommy’s life and that night my life was saved.

But my heart will forever be broken. No doctor can repair that part of me. It has been over 7 years and the pain is still so awful. I still sob when I imagine what he may look like now. Someday we will be together again.

Elimy Lucia DeWolfe’s Story

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(This is a guest blog by Carmelita about her daughter Elimy. Thank you for sharing this, Carmelita.)

My fiance Brent & I have been trying for the last 2 years to have children. Our 4th pregnancy was our silver lining in a dark cloud of 3 miscarriages prior to this. We had figured out that I needed to be on a blood thinner because when I become pregnant my blood thickens, giving the fetus less chance of survival. We passed 12 to 14 weeks just fine. Previous pregnancies had ended around that time, so we were very worried. After overcoming that hill we thought we’d be ok. They told us we were having a girl, we chose her name… Elimy. Not Emily, but Elimy… yes, it was different, but it felt so right. On April 15, 2012, my fiance & I decided to go out to his father’s farm for a visit. We arrived in the afternoon & as I slowly made my way out of the car I felt my water break. I was 22 weeks & a day, so I didn’t know that my water had broken nor did the thought cross my mind at that moment. I was a bit embarrassed & asked my fiance to grab my bag for me so I could change. We left a few hours later with another “wetting” incident happen before us leaving.

At about 3am I woke Brent up, contractions had started and I was scared. When we arrived at the hospital, they already had an idea of what was going on since we had been there a week before We had gone there because of some unusual bleeding that they concluded was nothing for us to be concerned about. The doctor there examined me, ran some tests. He looked at both of us & said that Elimy was coming but because I was only 22 weeks along, she wouldn’t make it. He apologized & I remember his face was so sad. I don’t know if it was reflecting the expression on mine or that he genuinely felt for us. She was born on April 16, 2012 at 7:55am. She weighed 15.2 ounces and was 10 1/2 inches long. She lived with us in our arms for 2 hours & 25 minutes. We couldn’t do anything to save her, they couldn’t do anything for her & we were left to mourn. I could sit here typing this, hating the world & the God I believe in, but it isn’t how I want to remember her. I want to believe that God has a plan for us, that the doctors & nurses did everything they could… that her existance, as short as it was, was real. That I gave birth to a live baby girl for the first time & that Brent held her till her last breath.

We had her cremated & held a memorial for her at a family member’s home. We received so many condolensces & heartfelt sympathies. She was loved so much by so many. It has been 14 days since we lost her. I count the days. Everyone says that it will be ok & that it will take time to get back to being myself. I am a different person now though, I am not going to let depression take me down. Elimy would not have wanted that for me. Brent & I have decided to try again, we are going to take extra precautions & we are keeping our faith strong. I want to tell you, yes you, the person reading this. I have felt your pain & I am here to say that it really will be ok. It may take time, but never let depression or sadness drag you down to where there is no coming back. There are people here that love you & need you. The babies we have lost would not want to see us fall down that dark hole. We love them & they love us. Keep their memories alive & live each day positive. They would want us to. Cada dia pienso en ti, mi niña. Every day I think of you, my little girl. I love you, Elimy.

This is our story. One of thousands, millions even. It is lonely now not having her growing inside me… I am sure that other woman know what I mean. I hope you decide to share my story because I want to be able to assure others that there still is hope. There is hope in everything, if you just have faith the size of a mustard seed. I thought I would drown in depression the first couple of days after losing Elimy. I fight every day to keep going. I have to do it for Elimy & my relationship. In her memory, I keep going one day at a time. I love my baby girl. Thank you for letting me share. Many hugs to you all.

- Carmelita De Los Reyes

Aimee’s Story

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(This is a guest blog by Terri about her daughter Aimee. Thank you for sharing this, Terri.)

I feel a bit out of place about sharing my story. It has been nearly 35 years since we lost Aimee. She was due December 19, 1977. She was born December 14, 1977… full term, beautiful, but stillborn.

I had known for several days something wasn’t right. Every day since November 30 she was less active… she used to do somersaults and get hiccups over and over again… until I woke up on December 4, feeling nothing. I knew immediately something was wrong with her. I phoned my doctor, and the nurse told me the baby was probably just getting ready for her big entrance into the world, not to worry. This was before ultrasounds and all of the wonderful tools the medical profession has now.

After a couple of hours, I decided to call the doctor again… and this time I lied. I told the nurse I had fallen on the ice and she told me to come in immediately. My sister and I went in and the doctor listened with his obstetrical stethoscope. After a minute he told me “your baby is dead”… very matter of factly, very cold. I ran screaming from the office. My sister called my husband at work… we cried together and mourned all night, not sleeping at all. The next morning, the doctor’s office called and said he had decided to let nature take it’s course and not induce labor. This wasn’t good enough for me. I couldn’t imagine going for days or weeks carrying this baby, knowing it was for nothing. Already at the store that evening, people had been asking me when I was due, and how wonderful it would be to have a little one for Christmas. I knew I just couldn’t do it.

The next morning I began to call obstetricians in the area, telling them my story. Of course, nobody wanted to accept me as a patient… until I got to a young doctor from the Middle East. My husband and I went to see him that afternoon and after examining me, he told me he would induce me the next morning. We met him at the hospital and I was admitted. Three days of pitocin and a lot of labor, my water finally broke and Aimee came into the world. In those days, people treated stillbirth like it was obscene. The nurse turned the mirror so I couldn’t see her birth… I demanded she turn it back. This was my child and I wanted to see her come into the world. My husband wasn’t allowed to be with me and when she was born, the doctor put her in a pan with the placenta. I demanded an isolette and got one… with a blanket. I refused to let these people treat my daughter with anything less than the utmost respect. And she was beautiful… loads of black hair which had begun turning white in the front… long fingers… chubby cheeks… all nine pounds, four ounces of her. I asked to hold her and finally my husband was allowed to come in and meet her. One nurse had wrapped her in a blanket and she looked like any other baby… like she was asleep. Later on that evening, the hospital asked us for permission to do an autopsy. We agreed… because we wanted to know what had happened to her. Unfortunately, the autopsy revealed nothing… the pathologist told us that as far as they were able to determine, she was a healthy, normal female… her death certificate stated cause of death as “unexplained”.

My dad was my savior at this time. My husband and I just were unable to cope with the loss… while I was in the hospital, my brothers packed up the nursery for us and put everything in the attic. My dad made the funeral arrangements and paid for everything… his gift to his grandchild. I was forever grateful to him for taking over when we were unable to. My doctor didn’t allow me to attend the funeral and kept me in the hospital until two days afterwards.

Ten months after our loss… I gave birth at thirty-three weeks to a baby boy, who miraculously survived and is now 34 years old. Five years later, I had another girl, who is 29. Last July, she gave me my first granddaughter… and named her in honor of her older sister.

Even though it has been so many years ago… not one single day goes by that I don’t think of Aimee. I can still remember what she looked like. I can still remember the first moment I laid eyes on her. And even though I have had other children and am a grandparent, it doesn’t take away the pain I feel when her birthday rolls around or when I look at my younger daughter, who looks exactly like she did. No one child can replace another… but she’s in heaven, with her grandpa, saving a seat for her mama and daddy. I am so thankful that the views on stillbirth have changed so dramatically over the years. I think about the way Aimee and I were treated and it still angers me. A stillbirth is not something to be hidden… parents have the right to openly grieve and talk about it… because losing a child is a tragedy… no matter how old that child is.

Always My Child

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(This is a guest post from Milena who lost her son, Enzo, recently. Thanks for sharing this with us, Milena.)
It is so easy to say: you are young!!!, soon you will ‘get over it’!!!, You can always have more children!!! And it is even easier for most people to completely ignore the subject fearing a contagious effect. If you cry, you aren’t letting your child rest in peace. If you don’t cry then you don’t care about your child. If you get pregnant too soon then you are trying to replace him. If you don’t get pregnant then you will be forever attached to a memory; but the truth is…
It doesn’t matter if I’m young, he is mine.
It doesn’t matter if I continue my life, he will always be present.
It doesn’t matter if I can have more children, he is irreplaceable.
It doesn’t matter if you ignore me, thank you for letting me know the type of person you truly are.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t want to talk about him, I alone can remember him and talk about him everyday.
It doesn’t matter your fear of my pain, that means that I am still alive and that I still feel emotions of this crazy life.
It doesn’t matter how much people judge me or my way of living with this pain, each person lives a loss differently.
I am not a stranger to pain, loss, memories, grief… and because of that…

I HURT… I REMEMBER… I LOVE… and I EXIST. And because of those reasons, every day that I live I will demonstrate how alive I am, and how sensitive I am to pain because he WAS MY CHILD, IS MY CHILD, and WILL ALWAYS BE MY CHILD ♥