(This is a guest blog by Nathalie about her daughters Passion & Hope. Thank you for sharing this with us, Nathalie.)
‘You make plans
For your unborn child -
But when you hold it
In your arms at last,
You see that it has its own.’
- Nathalie Himmelrich
Thank you for the acknowledgment of people’s stories of their loss.
A Story of Losing Hope but keeping hope
After being unsuccessful at becoming pregnant naturally we conceived in our first round of IVF, after implanting one egg, which subsequently split and graced us with expecting identical twin girls.
In our 19 weeks scan we were told that one of our twins showed abnormalities in her kidneys. After our scan the girls got fed up of being called ‘twin 1’ and ‘twin 2’ and we chose Angel cards to give them ‘names in utero’. Since then we have been referring to them as Passion and Hope – very synchronistic as twin 2 chose Hope and she’s the one dealing with her malformed kidneys.
Basically the doctors and specialists couldn’t say for sure but mentioned that Hope showed cysts in both of her kidneys. They gave us worst case scenarios which I basically just didn’t take on, knowing that this is just one moment in time and things can change.
I continued with the pregnancy knowing that the life I had inside of me was still very much alive. This was the time we had with the two girls and we were making the most of it.
On 1 September 2011 they were born at just 2070g (Passion) and 1740g (Hope). Both needed to be rushed into the NICU where they were on breathing support machines and in a humidicrib to keep them warm. Hope was struggling as her lungs had not matured past 24 weeks, which we didn’t see coming.
In her second night she struggled through a collapsed lung and we knew that she wasn’t meant to stay with us and grow up alongside her sister.
I held them both on day 3, the first and only time together alive as sisters in human form on my bare chest.
The following part I wrote on the 2nd day of her life:
2 September 2011 — Celebrating Amya Mirica Hope’s life
With tears in my eyes I want to ask you to celebrate Amya Mirica Hope’s life with us.
I honor the gift she is to us – however long she will be able to stay – it will never be long enough for all the dreams we’ve been dreaming…
I love you my sweet girl and accept your karma and your purpose for being with us — you have taught me how much I’m capable to love you and be sad of not having you to grow up with your sister, not being able to show you all the beautiful things that I so much wanted to.
You’re the biggest teacher in my life.
With all my love and all my tears…
I hold you in my heart forever
This picture was taken on her last day…