(This is Whitney’s story of her daughter, Meghan. Thank you for sharing.)
I recently heard of Return to Zero on a stillbirth parents Facebook page I belong to, and wanted to share our story with you. I am so glad you are making this movie, and bringing light to the darkness that is stillbirth.
My husband and I were thrilled to find out our first child was due August 27, 2007 (the day after our first wedding anniversary). We had a wonderful, normal and healthy pregnancy, and had decided not to find out the gender of our child prior to delivery, as we wanted the surprise and ‘It’s a…’ moment in the delivery room.
Our due date came, and went, with no sign of impending labor. On Tuesday, the day after Labor Day, we went in for a checkup, and after an ultrasound and non-stress test we were told to go home and continue to wait. Everything looked normal, but our baby was not ready to make an appearance yet. Contractions started shortly after the appointment, but after calling the hospital we were told to stay at home and wait for labor to progress. We labored at home for 3 days, with regular calls to both the doctors and hospital, but because our contractions were not regular, we were again told to stay put.
Finally at 41 weeks 5 days it was time - our contractions were less than 5 minutes apart, and we were ready. Upon arrival at the hospital (and face-to-face meetings with the nurses who had coached us on the phone), we were hooked up to monitors, and then, the activity started. The doctor was called to come immediately, and after breaking my water and trying an internal monitor, an ultrasound machine showed the horror - our darling baby had no heartbeat. The doctor who had held my hand through my pregnancy was now holding my hand as he told me my child was gone.
We labored through the night, and after 4 hours of pushing, I delivered our precious angel, Meghan Sunshine. She was born perfect at 7 lb 13 oz, and had only been gone for a few hours before delivery. We held her, kissed her, bathed her, and finally, said goodbye to our beautiful baby girl. A full genetic workup and autopsy still showed no cause of death, and gives us nothing to blame. Our lives were crushed, our dreams gone, and our identities missing. I was a mother, my husband a father, and yet had no child to hold.
I could not function after coping through the funeral. I could not leave the house, could not hold a conversation without crying, could not go to the store without breaking down (there always seemed to be an infant crying…). It took months for me to re-learn how to exist - as a mother, a wife, and a member of a society which seemed to forget that our child had existed. I am now the crazy lady who asks every pregnant woman she sees if she is counting her kicks….
We remember our Meghan with every heartbeat, every minute, of every day. Our second child, Meghan’s baby sister Natalie, knows of Meghan, her life and her legacy. She kisses Meghan’s picture, and helps us light our candle at 7 pm every October 15th.
Meghan would have been 5 years old this year, and as I watched the school busses on the first day of school on what would have been both her birthday and first day of Kindergarten, I wept for all of the moments we have missed.
-Whitney
(Thanks for sharing your story with us, Whitney!)