(This is a guest blog about Brianna from her mother, Karen. Thank you for sharing this with us, Karen!)
Brianna was our 4th and going to be our last child as we were nearing our 30′s and already had 3 older sons. I had dreamed of a little girl for years. My pregnancies with my sons were pretty much uneventful. With my youngest son towards the end my fluid levels kept dipping so I had a non-stress test and weekly ultrasounds. They ended up inducing me what they thought was a week early since he was so big and they thought I was further along but I was 2 weeks early. He was as healthy as can be (just big, 9lbs 15oz!)
I told this part because it does have something to do with Brianna. Eight years later on the morning of a friend of mine’s wedding we were going to we found out I was pregnant! That was on May 21st, 2011. This pregnancy was so much different than my other ones. I kept getting dizzy spells, totally lost my taste of coffee, was so, so nauseous. But all that didn’t matter I was just so happy!
My pregnancy was going wonderfully. At my anatomy scan on August 19th I found out we were going to have a daughter!! My sister wanted to go since she had never been to any ultrasounds before but my husband had to work. I was in so much shock…. I couldn’t believe I was finally getting my little girl! I had to schedule another ultrasound since they couldn’t get a good view of her heart though.
All of my appointments were great, we were both healthy. The week of Sept. 20th I noticed she wasn’t moving as much. I just brushed it off at first since I was only 23 week along and not feeling strong, regular movements yet. Towards the end of the week I started getting scared. My husband kept reassuring me that maybe she flipped over and was just hard to feel.
That sat. the 24th was my sister’s bachelorette party (of course, no drinks for me). When I went to bed that night I thought I felt some movement finally so I started feeling a little better. The next day I was sitting on the couch and thought I felt a jab in my back on the side so that reassured me more.
Two weeks later on Friday October 7th was my sister’s wedding day and my other ultrasound, which my husband was able to go to. We were both in the wedding as well as our sons so we did a lot of rushing around so we could get to the hotel on time. We got to the doctor’s office and there was a little wait but we were doing fine with time. I remember this woman came in, very pregnant, with her 7 or 8 children. I remember thinking, man I couldn’t do that and still be sane!
We finally got called back and I was so excited because my husband was going to see our little girl as a girl. The ultrasound tech placed the wand on my belly and we didn’t hear anything but I just thought the volume was turned down. She then proceeded to ask if I noticed a lot of leaking of fluid and if I’ve felt my baby move. She said she was going to get my midwife to double check.
She came back what seemed like hours later with my midwife and the doctor that was on call for the weekend. They all just looked and right away said we lost her. It had looked like she passed a week or two ago. I was already in tears because I sort of already knew before they came back to confirm it.
I was 25 weeks along. I lost all of the fluid. I still wanted to go to my sister’s wedding, I didn’t want to ruin her day too. But before I left they all talked me out of going. I decided to get induced that afternoon. I tried to stop crying long enough to make the long trek back to the car. But as soon as I reached the waiting room and saw that woman there with all of her kids I lost it and ran out the door.
As soon as we got home I took all of my clothes off in the bathroom and took all, every single maternity item and threw them into a tote of baby clothes we had dug up a week ago to go through. I never wanted to see them ever again. I got into bed and was done. My boys knew something was wrong and I could hear them in the other room trying to talk quietly, saying they think the baby died.
We were set to be back to the hospital by 2:30p to start the induction, My dad and stepmom and stepbrother had come out for my sister’s wedding so my dad came by to pick up the boys. I sat on the hallway stairs while they got ready. I tried to smile and joke around with my dad so he wouldn’t worry so much. All the while I was dying slowly inside. After the boys left we packed a bag and went to the hospital. We stopped on the way since my hubby was starving. I had no appetite at all.
We were greeted on L&D by a wonderful nurse who herself has been through this twice. Got settled and talked about what we wanted with the birth and after. I just kept telling her to knock me out however they wanted, I DID NOT want to go through this. She said I can have any kind of pain relief anytime I wanted it. Asked if we wanted to see our daughter and encouraged us to see her and to get pictures of her. She asked what our daughter’s name is and my husband, who in the months past wanted a “not too girly of a name” and didn’t like my favorite name Brianna, told the nurse her name is Brianna.
After all that she started my induction at 3p with cytotec. She said I would get two pills every 6 hours until I had her. In the meantime we agreed to not tell my sister why we weren’t able to be there so she kept calling and texting me. I felt like the worst human being ever. I wasn’t there for my sister, I lost our daughter. I remember watching the Simpsons later on and the two episodes that were on were wedding ones. That wasn’t a kick to the gut.
My parents and stepbrother came by after the wedding about 11p or 12a and visited a short while. My stepmom told me she lost her first baby too during pregnancy. She was almost full term and I think it was a cord accident. It was a little girl. After they left I tried to go to sleep for a little bit.
By around 215a or so I started feeling very bad pains. I tried to hold out for as long as I could but gave up and called the nurse in, I wanted an epidural. Got it in and sat up for maybe a minute then my hubby helped get my legs back in bed and as soon as I was in bed my daughter came out.
Brianna was born at 2:55am on Sat. October 8, 2011. She was 1 pound 5 ounces and 11 inches long. She was perfectly healthy. They found I had an infection but we don’t know what kind or if I lost my fluid first or the infection caused it.
I held her for 7 hours straight after I had her. I held her hand with my pinky on my left hand. I kissed her a few times on her forehead. I talked to her about how much she was loved and how much we miss her. The one thing I regret so much was not taking pictures of her beautiful hands or getting a picture of her and me and of daddy and her. I will forever regret that.
We had to make arrangements for her before we left the hospital. I chose the funeral home and chose to have her cremated. I held her when she came back from pictures until 11a when the nurse came in to say they had to take her to be picked up.
That was THE hardest goodbye. Even now, I long to have her here, in my arms where she belongs. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about her. I am apart of two different loss boards on baby websites and without them, I don’t know where I’d be today. My boys also get me through each day.
I want to thank you for giving all us baby loss parents a place to tell our story and for helping us break the silence of baby loss. I am so sorry anybody has to know what it’s like to lose a baby.
