My wife and I found out that we were pregnant with our third child in the last week of September of last year. Obviously, it was amazing news, but for anyone who has lost a child it is also terrifying news when you find out you’re pregnant again.
The back story (and beginning of the film RETURN TO ZERO) is that we lost our first son, Norbert, on July 12, 2005 and then before we knew it, and while we were still in shock, were pregnant with our “rainbow” Roxie who was born on September 7, 2006.
Despite the fact that we had come off of a successful birth with our daughter, the experience of losing our son so late still haunted us throughout this third pregnancy. It also came at an odd time as I had just finished the script for the film which brought my wife and I closer together as we discussed details of the stillbirth which we had never talked about before. It was incredibly healing for me and she told me it had the same effect on her.
Then, as if on some sort of mystical clock, once I finished the script we found out my wife was pregnant again. Any thought that I might get through this without some of the trepidation and nervousness that accompanied our second pregnancy vanished as soon as she started showing.
As we did with Roxie, we both kept this information about Kiley’s pregnancy on a “need to know” basis pretty much only sharing it with people we were very close with or would see on a regular basis. I don’t have to explain why we did this to those of you who have been through this type of experience. I also don’t have to explain why we didn’t find out the sex of the baby or gave him/her a name before delivery-naming someone/something gives it power and finding out the sex would connect us even more deeply to this child. Just in case we lost this one we wanted as much critical distance as possible. This may sound callous to those of you who have not experienced this type of loss but it is very real. We knew that if we connected with our third child the way we did with our first and we lost him/her we would if not literally, then figuratively, die.
It has been odd these last few months as I have received beautiful, heartbreaking stories from so many people and yet was keeping this new chapter of our story close to the vest. So, now it’s my time to share… and with the best news possible.
My wife delivered our third child and second son, Cannon Krekorian Hanish, on Friday morning May 25th at 7:35am. When he was born he looked exactly like our son Norbert did on the day he was born. This made it difficult those first few moments as I was simply trying to register that we now had a son and that he was actually alive. I’ve thought so often of how Norbert looked when my wife and I held him for that hour of peace, grace and sorrow nearly 7 years ago, that when I saw Cannon, his younger brother, it took me back to that very day. It was like I was living two different inner lives at that moment, one which made it difficult for me to stay present and enjoy the miracle of birth because I had seen it go so wrong years ago. Yet, at the same time I exploded with joy inside when I found out we had a boy-I truly never thought I would have a son after losing Norbert. Never. And there’s something about being a father to a son that is indescribable. My life with my father flashed before my eyes as did the decades ahead with my own son-a dream that was crushed when we lost our first boy.
At lunch today my wife told me that she keeps calling our new boy, Cannon, by his older brother’s name, Norbert. This makes sense as it’s all of a piece. They are all three our children and we live with them in our lives every day whether they are with us or not.
- Sean
From the tragedy of Norbert’s passing to the essence-of-everything that is good, Roxie and now, Cannon, are proof that we know not “why” yet are blessed, “because.” Your story, THE STORY, will be medicine for so many people who have felt deep sorrow and loss in life. I have begun to believe that, “we humans” walk symbiotically with potential joy and pain every moment. For now, you are immersed in revelry. Blessings beyond compare. Pure love. I could not be happier for you and Kiley, Roxie and Cannon. And Norbert is always with you. xo D
Thankyou for sharing, my husband and I are expecting our rainbow who is a boy, and even thoughwe have picked a name out, he hasnt wanted to use it, Reading this helped me understand his joy and sorrow over having a new baby- a boy who (hopefully) will come home when our first son didnt
Congratulations to all of you.
I have been there, to a degree. And I understand that everyone has to deal with it in their own way. But I have to say that I don’t understand the need for distance, and it was something I could not do. I saw the 41 weeks that I had with my son as a gift. And I think about how much of that time and how much of HIM I would have missed out on if I had distanced myself. If something were to happen to yhe other two, I didn’t want to miss out on whatever time was mine. The fear that comes with a second, or even a third child, is very real, but so is that child. I don’t know any way to love other than with complete abandon.
As for us, we had two boys and then a girl. My second son does not look like his older brother, but my daughter absolutely does. She doesn’t have the same clam personality, though (yikes!). I used to wonder if I just didn’t *want* to see it in my second son. But as soon as my daughter was born, it was very clear that Nate never had it and Willow does. I saw it a lot more when she was a baby, and now I mostly only see it when she is sleeping. But I know it is always there, that face, haunting me. It takes my breath away and leaves me in tears with the wonder of “what if”.
I hope Cannon brings you all the joy a boy can. Don’t worry, soon there will be no mistaking him for his own person, no mixing them up. I am a firm believer that my children have each taken a piece of my soul, each unique, each tied in unspeakable ways.