Grayson’s Story

(This is a guest blog about Grayson from his mother, Megan. Thanks for sharing this with us, Megan.)

September 24th, 2011. My husband and I got married. Since the beginning he wanted another child, but I made the promise to myself-I wanted to wait until I was married to have a baby. So we waited. And we tried. And tried. And tried.

Finally, Thursday, March 8th, 2012, I got that positive test I had been hoping for since September. I was so completely over the moon. It was unreal. Everyone was excited, my family especially. After telling everyone, it was time to make the appointment and play the waiting game for my first baby appointment. On that date I found out I had a totally healthy, itty bitty 8 week, 3 day old little shrimp! Grayson’s dad, and big brother were also at that appointment, and it was so awesome we got to share that first moment of seeing our new baby! His heart beat was loud and strong, and looked great. Again, nothing made me happier then knowing that everything was going well with this baby shrimp I had.

I’ve been a type one diabetic since I was about 4 years old. Knowing that I would be considered high risk, I was told at this point, to be prepared for 2 monthly doctors appointments. I was very okay with that due to the fact I would be getting to see my baby every month with an ultrasound. And that’s what we did.

Almost a month later we had went back and still found out 12 week old B. Schrat growing big and strong! He grew a face in that short months, and as a momma, that has to be the cutest face I’ve ever seen! And then we moved on to the next appointment! Which was the gender reveal! At my 18 week appointment, we found out we were having a boy! Everyone thought I would be having a girl, including myself, but as soon as the nurse put the wand on my belly, I blurted out ‘Boy!’.

At first I was a little disappointed that I wouldn’t be having a girl, but after awhile, I started to love the idea of having a Momma’s boy. The day after that appointment, my husband and I decided on the name Grayson V. Justin, my husband is a huge batman fan. Unbelievebly huge. He has tattoo’s and toys, and posters, and shirts. Huge fan. We were discussing different DC Comic character names, and I couldn’t agree on anything with him. The next day he texted me and asked how I felt about Grayson V. And I fell in love. I never looked at another name after that.

Grayson comes from Dick Grayson, who is actually Robin, but grown up into Nightwing. And V comes from one of our favorite movies (that we never realized was a DC caracter) the movie V for Vendetta. I’ve never been so in love with a name before. Or a person I had never met.

24 perfect weeks came and went. His body and heart grew bigger and stronger, and our amazingly little active man kicked away all the time.When I hit week 26 all i could think about is how close we were to meeting Grayson! We started doing things like buying his crib and moving his brother, Aidans room around to be able to fit in him.

Things were great. I was feeling great, baby was doing great. I had never been happier in my life!

September 5th I had my last ultrasound appoitment. He’s 30 weeks old in this one. I was so excited when I had got this adorable 3D picture from the nurse. I just sat there and stared at my little mans face, thinking ‘This is mine. I made him. This is MY baby!’ So incredibly in love. I thought about him playing with his big brother, and his best friend Lycan. I thought about how I was just about ready to meet my love. Once again, he was growing perfectly well. He was moving, and kicking, and practicing his breathing. Everything a normal 30 week old does. I had started to go and get 2 Non-Stress Tests to make sure baby’s heart was going well. And it was.

September 19th, I just started to feel odd. We had went out to dinner, and I just sat in the booth and cried because of not feeling that great. Later, I had got a huge, massive headache that didnt go away. Later into the weekend, things only managed to get worse, with me throwing up, and going into a panic attack. My last doctors appoitment was on September 21st. I had been in contact with the doctor since the 19th, and while doing my NST at the doctors, they told me everything was fine. Grayson was fine, and I might have just been getting sick. I went on my way.

My 1 year anniversy with my husband was on the 24th, Monday, and we had planned on going out to celebrate. Since it wouldnt be possible to do it Monday, as I was still feeling sick, I told my husband no. On Sunday the 23rd, Grayson wasnt moving around like he usually does. He would give me a few hard kicks, and moves, and rolls but Sunday, I didnt get that all day.

Around 7 I had went in and layed down in the bathtub. I got two jabs, and then nothing. Not too long after that I had went to bed. I woke up around 7 the new morning and still didnt feel him move. I knew something wasnt right. I talked to Justin, and called my mom, and they said if I didnt feel anything within the next hour to go to the doctors. So I had did all my stuff for the day, got ready, and then took Aidan down to the bus stop.

The whole time I was hoping I’d get a jab or a kick…anything. I dropped off Aidan and then drove to the hospital and went into Labor and Delievery. I told them my name, due date and my issue. They took me back and tried to find his heart beat. They said they had found it and how it just sounded weird, like there was an echo to it. But everything seemed fine. We were joking and laughing around at how when I have Grayson he gets a spankin for giving his momma a heart attack.

Then a doctor had came in, and used the ultrasound machine to try to understand what the echo was. I thought he was fine. I thought everything was still perfect. But I was so wrong. They had yet another doctor come in and he looked too… He looked over, and put his hand on my hand, and told me the worst words ANY parent should hear.

He said “Megan, I’m so sorry, but we’ve lost him”. And I just laid there. “lost him”? How can I just “lose” a baby, that was perfect on Friday? And of all days, my anniversary? Nothing made any sense at all. They took me into get a stronger ultrasound, and conformed it, I had lost my son. At 33 weeks, 4 days.

I asked to call my husband and my mom, and since both were over an hour away, my nurse stayed with me the whole time. I was numb…or in shock. Just… Nothing came out. What do I even do at this point?

After my mom and husband came I found out that I had to give birth to Grayson. At that point, they wouldn’t do a c-section and he was too big for other options. I had to be induced. I was given pills to start labor, and made to spend the night in the hospital. Everyone in my entire family had came to support Justin and I. That was so great. They were able to keep me distracted enough that I didn’t have to sit there alone and think. But I did think. I thought about how I will never get to tuck Grayson into the bassinet we already had set up for him. Or that he wouldn’t get to wear the thanksgiving onesie I bought. Or how I wouldn’t be able to cuddle him in the comfy part of my couch, and let the dogs sit beside us. I wouldn’t be able to do anything with the child I had loved so much. The child I had dreamed for, prayed for and loved before I even knew he existed…

Instead I had to think about what I wanted to do with my unborn son’s body before I ever laid eyes on him… I ended up being in labor for over 11 hours with Grayson and pushed for about 45 minutes. And then I seen the most gorgeous boy I’ve ever seen. My son.

After I had him I was able to give him a bath, and dress him up in the outfit I had originally planned on taking him home in. Such a bitter sweet moment, but not how I would have liked it. After that we had an amazingly sweet photographer, who works with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come in and capture a few of the moments we will never get to have with Grayson again.

That is one of the best gifts someone could ever give a parent at this time. So beautiful. We got to hold Grayson and cuddle him, and keep him close to us until the time I was discharged.

But I hold everything that is his so close to me, that its unreal. From the comb I used to comb all that thick, blonde hair to the blankets he was wrapped in. Grayson will NEVER be gone to me, and I know hes constantly here with me. I am still so madly, and deeply in love with this little man, that its unreal.

Grayson V Schratwieser
September 25th, 2012 - Forever <3