(This is a guest blog by Monica about her son Rylan. Thank you for sharing this with us, Monica.)
It was October 6, 2012 and we were at my brother’s mom’s house for a get together. My stomach wasn’t feeling right I just figured I was hungry, so I ate and I only had half a beer. It wasn’t sounding good. Around 11:15pm I was ready to go home. When we got in the car I had asked Bryan if we could stop by Wal-Mart on the way home. He asked me why I said, “O’ just to look around, and we might want to get a pregnancy test.” He said, “Are you late or something?” I replied, “YES!” He then was wondering how late I was he asked. I told him I was 6 days late. He instantly got a smile on his face. We went to the section where the tests were, it maybe took us 20 minutes to pick one out because neither of us had to buy one before. We finally decided on one and it was the Clear Blue Easy so we could see the word “pregnant.”
We got home around 12:15am and I went to take the test. You know when the test says wait 3 minutes to be able to read the test? Well, it didn’t take 3 minutes at all. It went to positive RIGHT AWAY! I stood there in the bathroom just looking in the mirror and back at the test over and over again. I couldn’t believe that I had a positive test. It was the first one EVER! I then knew I had to go tell Bryan, I couldn’t even open the bathroom door. I went out and just looked at him. He asked me, “Well what did it say?”… I just stood there and tears filled up my eyes and said, “We are pregnant!!!!! ”. We both cried tears of happiness that night and just sat on the couch for 3 hours talking. We haven’t done that since we started dating (again) January 2011. We were so happy to find out that we were going to have a child of our own, something we both have wanted for a very long time.
First OB appointment on October 17, 2012, we had a sonogram and they weren’t 100% convinced that there was a baby in there because it was so small that I had to come back in 1 week to do another one. Although the tests said that I was.
The appointment on October 26, 2012 proved to us for sure that a baby in there…. So happy to see that our little monkey was in the making. They said that everything was looking good and progressing normally.
October 27, 2012 we decided to announce our news to our families. My parents were having a Halloween Party and we figured what a great way to announce our news but with a Halloween costume. We thought and thought and thought about what we could do. Then it came to me: Thing 1, 2 and 3. I made our t-shirts and they turned out awesome. We gave both of our parents little pumpkins for a centerpiece that said on it Baby coming June 2013. Once we gave it to them, there were tears and screams that they couldn’t believe it. So then I could reveal my shirt… What a great night, so many smiles and tears of happiness.
On January 18, 2013 I had an appointment with a sonogram and we were hoping to find out the gender of our lil one. We were hoping that it would cooperate and sure enough HE did. We found out that were having a bouncing little boy. Bryan and I looked at each other and just smiled and then tears filled our eyes (again, happiness). That weekend I made blue cupcakes that went to both of our parents’ houses to reveal the gender. They didn’t know what it was until they opened the cupcake, and low and behold it was blue. I had so much fun doing it. They were all happy there was going to be another little boy running around.
I had to have a level 2 sonogram done because of the 2 vessel cord that I had. My doctor wanted to make sure his progress and everything was going great. I got the results that day and everything was spot on: his measurements, weight, heart etc. were all great. He said he doesn’t have any reason to worry and that I was doing everything right and to keep it up.
April 3, 2013 I went in for a regular growth appointment and my mom was able to go with us to this appointment. The nurse showed my mom for sure he was a boy. Lol. All of everything else looked perfect he was growing normally sonogram was great.
April 9, 2013, I called the doctor’s office early because I wasn’t feeling any movement that morning. They told me to come in at 8:30 and they would squeeze me in. I finally got called back around 8:50. I went in to a small room where they do the stress testing (which I was supposed to start that Thursday). The nurse put this disc shaped monitor thing on my belly and tried to find his hear beat, but there wasn’t one. I knew something was wrong right then and there. She told me to wait here, which felt like eternity. 20 minutes later they come and get me and I go in to have a sonogram done and sure enough there wasn’t a heartbeat. They had my doctor come in just to give me the final news. He pointed out on the screen the spot where his heart is and there isn’t any movement. My heart sank, my body felt numb, the tears were flowing I couldn’t stop to think about all the if’s. What could I have done to prevent this? But I am reassured that it wasn’t anything that I did. I did everything asked of me during this pregnancy.
They let us go home, in the car I called my mom about the appointment, she couldn’t believe the news either and she rushed right over to our house. I made a few more phone calls to family and my supervisor who knew I was going to the doctor. That evening, family and friends surrounded us. I was in such a daze knowing that I was going to meet and have to say “see you soon” to my son the next day.
5:30am on April 10, 2013, our alarm went off, I just laid there in bed knowing what this day meant. I couldn’t move. But, I knew I had to get out of bed, get showered and get up to the hospital at 7:00. Once I got to the hospital and up to the Labor and Delivery Unit. I didn’t even have to check in; they just asked my name and instantly took me to my room. The walk to my room with the nurse was horrible. It didn’t seem like it was going to end and I was just in a dream that I would end up back in my bedroom and everything was fine. But that wasn’t the case.
My nurse came in and introduced herself; her name was Cathy. She got me all settled in and as comfortable as I can be considering what I was there for. They started my induction at 9:00. She told me she had to check me every 4 hours. Well, every time she did I hadn’t dilated at all… Around 4:30pm I started getting horrible pains/contractions she checked me and still nothing. So she ordered for me to have an epidural since I was in that much pain. I got my epidural around 5:15 or so and let me tell you OMG that was horrible. I haven’t ever had one before and didn’t know what to expect. It took a little bit for it to take effect, but once it did my contractions weren’t as strong. At 7:00 I asked my mom if catheters leak and she said they could. I told her to look and see and she said that we needed to get a nurse. So my nurse Lisa came in and said that my water has broken and it may be a couple of hours until I am able to deliver our son, so I was to just try and relax and if I start to have stronger contractions to let her know.
So I dozed off and I woke up around 7:15pm I started screaming, “Mom it hurts, he’s right there!” She then told someone to run and get the nurse, which ended up being my fiancée. By now I had another nurse; her name was Lisa. She came in, looked and said: ok he is right there but you have to hold on a little while longer. Only because my doctor wasn’t at the hospital yet and was on his way, and there was another Dr. next door trying to get over to us. I told her I couldn’t hold on and that it hurt and she said, “Screw it, PUSH!” With 2 ½ pushes later our son Rylan William Skilling was born. Come to find out the cord was wrapped around his neck twice and it was tight. With me having only a 2 vessel cord it was like a rubber band instead of a bungee cord (is how we were explained about a 2 vs. 3 vessel cord). He was perfect, beautiful and so handsome (and had my nose). The Dr. came in and checked everything and did everything else they had to do. A few minutes later, my doctor walks into the room and said that he heard that I did great. He also said that he was a cute baby. Lisa mentioned to us that they use an organization to take pictures of babies who have passed and wondered if we would have been interested in having pictures taken of Rylan. We instantly said yes. She said she would get a hold of someone.
Later on that night I got moved up to another floor since my doctor didn’t want me to be downstairs and hear babies crying or anything. Once we got upstairs, all 3 of us settled into my room, my nurse and her aide brought us a plate of food since we hadn’t eaten. I wasn’t even hungry but I forced myself to eat. My nurse also mentioned that it might not be until the next day that someone would be there to take pictures, but 30 minutes after, that someone showed up from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. We sat and talked for a few minutes before she started taking pictures. She told us that she lost her son just a few months ago. I felt a connection with her. She was there for 45 minutes taking our pictures. We were very thankful that she came out at midnight to take pictures.
After she left I just laid in the bed holding Rylan. I guess I fell asleep with him in my arms and Bryan took him and they bonded for a few hours until Bryan decided to try to get some sleep. The next morning we both just cuddled, talked, kissed him. I didn’t want to let him go, I tried so hard to cry but at times I just couldn’t or the tears wouldn’t come out. Other times they wouldn’t stop coming out.
We got to spend all morning with him. My mom came up to the hospital to spend time with us also. Around noon my nurse came in and said that we needed to start saying our final see you laters and that the people who are going to perform the autopsy were there. We did our final kisses and hugs and watched him be carried away. I felt like my heart was walking out the door also. We then left the hospital I couldn’t believe that I went in with a baby in my stomach and I was leaving with no baby in my stomach or arms, a heavy heart, heartbroken, no motivation to do anything and not wanting to survive.
We had his funeral on April 15, 2013 and the same lady who blessed us and Rylan performed his service. She touched us in a way that we can’t describe. His service was very touching and from the heart. No script, nothing, just what she was feeling and talked about what she about us so far. We did have him buried so we can go out and visit him whenever we want, same with family and friends. We had an open house for anyone who wanted to come over that evening. Just seeing so many people in and out of our house, we know we are loved just as much as Rylan is. We received our pictures from NILMDTS and I must say they are the most perfect pictures of our little angel that I could have ever asked for. They are our most prized possession ever.
He will forever be in our hearts and known as our,
Lil’ Monkey Rylan William Skilling 4/10/2013
2 pounds 11.9 ounces and 15 ½ inches long
A friend of mine shared your story on Facebook and I had to post. This friend of mine and I both lost babies at birth. Her beautiful twin girls were born too early and my son had a rare genetic disorder we didn’t know about until he was born. He died in my arms shortly after birth. What caught my eye right away about your story was the day you found out about your pregnancy. My son, Jacob John, was born on October 6th. It was in 2003 but October 6th will always be a date near and dear to my heart.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I have a very similar picture that you posted here where my husband and I were cradling our son’s body. It’s so amazing how you can know they are not alive but they are still our babies and so precious. I’m so glad that the times have changed to the point where grieving couples are allowed to spend quality time with their infant(s) after their deaths. I’ve had people tell me they think it’s so wierd people would have pictures taken of their dead children but those are the people who have never experienced this and will (hopefully) never truly understand. Those precious little pictures are all we have to prove to the world that our little ones did exist.
A year after our son’s death, we discovered we had pretty big fertility issues. We spent that following year attempting IUI’s, experienced 2 early miscarriages and decided we had had enough of loss. We turned toward adoption and were blessed with a baby girl in 2007 (she was 2 months old when we were placed with her) and a baby boy in 2012 (the birthmom invited me to be there for his birth). I think back about how far my husband and I have come in almost 10 years. It’s so hard to believe it’s almost been 10 years!!! It definitely brought us closer and dhanged our lives in ways we never could have imagined.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you and your families experienced such heartache.
Thank you so much for your kind words.. Also, thank you for sharing my story. This was my first pregnancy ever. I hadn’t ever been pregnant before. I am also sorry for your loss. I also can’t believe how close my fiancee and I are after all of this. We were close before but this has brought us closer.
I am so sorry for your loss of Baby Rylan. What a horrible experience you have had. We never know what we may be dealt in life. I am the grandmother of a beautiful stillborn little boy. May you find peace and strength as life hopefully leads you down a happier time. Wishing you blessings.